Older and Not Wiser

Lately I am continually taken by surprise that someone I know is so old, and in thinking that, realizing I am also so old.  It's a little disconcerting.  When I look at favorite old movies or tv series and see that they are current to me, and yet 45 years old, I am stunned.  MASH, the tv series, was on when my children were born, in 1972 and 1974.  Colonel Henry Blake "died" very close to when my second son was born, April 30, 1974, and my son recently celebrated his 44th birthday.

My friends are aging quickly.  And so, surprisingly, am I.  I complained to an older friend about my "mild" arthritis and told her I just hated the doctor saying I was "of that age."  She was silent for a moment and then said, "Jeanie, how old are you?"  Well!  I am only 69, I said back, rather peeved.  Like saying I was only 9.

I will be 70 on my next birthday.  It amazes me.  And how quickly parts of my body will slink past my attitude of denial and remind me that they are also almost 70 years old.  I mean - that's 20 years longer than being an antique, if I were a piece of furniture.

I occasionally speak to college nursing students about my journey with Polycystic Kidney Disease.  I tell them at the start how old I am because the older you get, the more experience you get in dealing with the various stages of insurance, and Medicare.  When I said it the first time, during my first talk, I almost got myself off track because my mind was saying, "yeah, and these 'kids' are 20 years younger than my own children."  Do college age students really pay attention to someone who is older than an antique?

Oh! And to add insult to the aging process, Medicare allows annual "wellness" checks, which includes a series of questions to determine if your doctor needs to talk to your children about putting you into an assisted living facility.  A friend just went through this with her mother, who is 84.  That is only 15 years away for me!!!  Then there is the "clock" test.  You draw the face of a clock, put the numbers in, and make the hands show 11:10.  And there are no real clocks in the exam room.

When I am sitting comfortably, drinking my coffee, I imagine my day.  My "to do" list includes washing all the cupboard doors in the kitchen, finishing off with scrubbing and polishing the floor.  Clean the bathroom including the toilet, scrubbing the bathtub, washing and polishing the floor.  Cleaning the living room and making it simple and clean looking, with no clutter on the coffee table, no stacks of books to read and books to take to Goodwill.  Then I get up and can't stand up straight because my lower back is killing me.  And I solemnly note that I can't even begin to do that "to do" list.  I think I can barely manage to sweep the floor.

Now the bitter sticky part.  My seven years on dialysis damaged my back (sitting in a recliner for 4 hours a day, 3 days a week), and two vertebrae are tipped into my sciatic nerve.  I have severe stenosis of the S1 vertebra.  (I had to look up "S1" and "stenosis" and I'll leave it to you to research that for yourself.)  Two years ago I received my new kidney, for which I am always, always grateful!  However, I discovered that because of the stenosis, I couldn't begin to get back to regular living stuff.  I can barely stand in one position long enough to do the prep work for dinner let alone washing the dinner dishes.  I am most comfortable laying down or sitting.

Now I am scheduled for major surgery to fuse L3, 4, 5, and S1.  In two weeks!!!  During the pre-op exam, my EKG showed I have something wrong with my heart and now I have to see a cardiologist, who will decide if I can go through with the surgery.  It is overwhelming, daunting, and further chipping away at my self-confidence and my way of life.  So, now I'm worried all the time.  Will I die during surgery?  If I don't have the surgery, will the pain just get worse and worse until I MUST go to assisted living, or worse, a nursing home?  In my mind, I still dance to music on my stereo.  I still run in fun runs.  I still move boxes and furniture like I was fit and firm only a few years ago.

Today I even looked up counselors in my area because I think I need to talk to someone.  (They ask that in the Medicare questionnaire, but I refuse to answer - I always say I am fine, thank you very much; just fine.)

Getting older doesn't make you wiser.  It just makes you realize you can't do things any more.  It makes you realize there are very few years left.  Maybe 20-21 years left for me?  It is somehow sad.

I miss my life - somehow, part of me didn't keep up with the rest of me and went off on its own merry way.

60 reasons I am excited about being SIXTY:

ONE WEEK AWAY

1. I don’t look it – see me next year
2. I am healthy (mostly)
3. I am content
4. I am mature (something I am extremely grateful for – no more hot emotions, no more being jealous or petty; just nice calm maturity)
5. However, I can be cranky if I want to. I'm OLD.
6. I love the person in the mirror that looks back at me.
7. I laugh at myself way too much. And that’s perfectly fine.
8. I am hardly ever sad.
9. I have the bone density of a 30-year-old, so my doc tells me
10. I am mother of two great sons that I don’t have to nag after
11. I have dear close friends that hold secrets, tell jokes, and care deeply
12. I laugh and laugh and laugh
13. I’m alive
14. I feel great
15. I am comfortable in my skin
16. I have become a sensitive, compassionate woman
17. I have become an example to follow
18. I’m a great mother-in-law and the envy of all my daughter-in-law’s friends who don’t have me as their mother-in-law
19. I have a beautiful singing voice, especially in the shower
20. I am 1/3 of the way through my list
21. I look back at some of the things I write and think, boy, that was really good!
22. I am passionate about attitude and living, truly living!
23. I am a good listener and confidante.
24. Not to worry when you tell me a secret; I can honestly say I have forgotten it by the next day
25. I dance when I clean the house, usually to Meatloaf’s “Bat out of Hell.”
26. Sunsets
27. Beaches
28. The ocean
29. I can still climb lighthouses
30. I am a pretty good photographer
31. I might retire in five years; maybe not; maybe work fulfills me still
32. I’m good with computers
33. Babies – I look forward to being a very young in spirit Grandmother in my 60s
34. All-you-can-eat buffet places that give senior discounts to 60 and older. I can eat those 80-year-olds under the table.
35. I can skip exercising (well, occasionally) and blame it on "old age."
36. I get to take naps!
37. I can be weird and eccentric and everyone will love me anyway
38. My eyesight is still 20-20
39. I actually wasn't born yesterday
40. 2/3 through my list
41. I am wise and make less mistakes
42. When I make mistakes I just write them off as senior moments
43. Cats love me (they see an easy mark)
44. I'm still active and in more ways than one
45. You are only as old as you feel – and sometimes I feel like I'm twelve.
46. Some days I feel like I'm 100.
47. Life!
48. I have God in my heart; God walks with me all day long
49. I have a great sense of humor
50. Other people laughing is contagious; I surround myself with laughing people
51. I am introspective and engage in lots of soul searching and generally find good things in my soul
52. A former boss told my current boss to hire me because I was gentle and kind; I really like being thought of as gentle and kind
53. I have my teeth; and I floss
54. I sleep very well
55. I have no regrets
56. I have at least 60 friends!
57. 20 of my 60 friends are my very best friends forever VBFF!
58. Today is the first day of my life, and I get to start all over again with a fresh slate; and it is the last day of my life and I get to fill it up with all kinds of adventures and experiences and memories
59. I can still swing to the top of the bar with my feet high and my head back
60. Wow! I'm sixty years old! Can you believe it???